D is for Dreams

letters-alphabet-cursive-dAfter that last few posts, I thought I’d write something a bit less negative: dreams. I, like everyone, have dreams of what I want my future to hold. Even though I’ve hit my middle years, today I have hope that I will still reach them (a few months ago, I would have said all my dreams were beyond me. What new meds, lots of work and a bit of time can do!)

Here’re my dreams, in no particular order:

  • A cottage by the sea. I’ve always wanted to live in a cottage, near the water and the older I get the more I want that water to be the ocean.
  • To see the Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, the Gulf of Mexico, the Mediterranean Sea, the Bering Straits, the Indian Ocean and the Dead Sea. Have I mentioned I love water?
  • I want to see as much of the good ol’ U. S. of A. as I possibly can. I want to see what each and every state has to offer. So far, I’ve seen a lot of Illinois, a bit of Ohio, a little of Iowa, some of Colorado and Oklahoma, a smidge of Wisconsin, Virginia, and Massachusetts, quite a bit of Washington D.C. and drove through Indiana, Missouri and Kansas. I want to see historical sites, museums, parks, anything with water (with the exception of water parks) and whatever makes an area memorable. But I don’t want to do it in an RV.
  • At least one cat and one (service) dog. More cats if possible. And one of them will be named Abby.
  • I want to see every inch of Great Britain. Every island, every foggy inlet, loch, river, pasture and ruin there. I want to visit Stratford-upon-Avon, see the Globe Theatre in London (and everything else in London), anything related to Jane Austen (including where movies were filmed) and Stonehenge. I want to see dead kings’ and queens’ tombs and crumbling castles. I have an overwhelming need to visit the land of my ancestors (I’m an Anglophile mutt with a bit of French Canadian and Native American thrown in.) I want to see all the historical sites and some of the quirky ones. I want to smell sod burning and buy authentic English wool sweaters.
  • I want to write novels. And have them published. I don’t want to write the Great American Novel. Frankly, I think that’s already been written, several times (To Kill a Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby, probably anything by Hemingway, we could go on forever here.) I want to write novels that people start to read before bed and stay up late to finish. I want to write the book that you pick up to make you forget your worries for a few hours. And I want to write/publish more than one.
  • I want to be a “normal” size. I don’t care if I never become skinny, or even thin, I just want to be average. And right now, in America, average is a size 14.
  • I’d like to be off diabetes meds and not have to take my blood sugar several times a day.
  • Healthy. I want to be healthy. To go weeks, or months, without having to check in with a shrink.
  • To own, outright, a home. No mortgage, no bank, no landlord. I want the right to paint walls whatever color I want and decorate however I want. If I want to convert the dining room into a library with rainbow colored bookshelves, I darn well want to be able to do so without having to ask a landlord. And I don’t want to worry that I’ll ever be underwater on my mortgage.
  • Money. I don’t necessarily have to be stinkin’ rich, but I do want to be in a place where I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or how I’m gonna keep from being evicted or have the lights shut off. And if I want to take a few days off of work, my financial world won’t come to an end.
  • Love. I want to fall in love at least once with a wonderful person. At this point, they don’t even have to be male. I’m willing to consider switch-hitting for the right person. I want hearts and flowers and the need to spend the rest of my live with someone. Yeah, I know that means I’ve got to open up to people and risk getting hurt. But I think it just might be worth it.
  • I want to eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full and not think about it any other time. This is what I image people without an eating disorder do. I think I may crave this more than I crave chocolate (at least right now I do.)
  • Live to 60. My mother died at 53. I have the same disease she died from (although a different version). ‘Nuff said.
  • Go a whole year without a suicidal thought.
  • Dye my hair a crazy color. I’ve always wanted to do it but never had the guts.
  • Get a tattoo. Just where I, and a significant other, could see it.
  • Learn to forgive myself for not being the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect friend, perfect anything.
  • Have the abuse of my childhood be an unfortunate thing in my past and not an influence on the present.
  • Forgive myself for letting my past influence my present.
  • Give myself permission to stop. Just to stop and sit and enjoy life. No thinking about all the people my vicinity, no thinking about how this or that could go wrong, no projecting what may or may not happen based on what decision I make about this or that. Just to stop. Stop and live.
  • I want a rich spiritual life. With prayer and worship and all that stuff.
  • To carry a parasol in public. Personal, portable shade, just for me. Bliss.
  • Act in plays and musicals (at the local community theatre) on a regular basis. I acted all through high school and was actually a theatre major in college for a bit. I miss the fun.
  • I want to walk down the street and not feel I have to apologize for being alive.
  • Finally, I want to love myself. Not the me I think I should be or the me I want others to think I am. I want to love the me I am.