This is my very first post on my very first blog. I’m scared. Not because I don’t think I can do it. Not because I don’t think I’m a decent writer. But because I get scared easily. Yep, that’s me. Little miss scaredy cat.
You see, I’m one big bundle of fear. The weird thing is I’ve never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Major Depressive Disorder, yes. Binge Eating Disorder, oh yeah. Suicidal Ideation, yep. But no anxiety disorders.
Bet you weren’t expecting me to be so open on my first posting, huh? Well, I’m trying to bust outta my comfort zone and I figure go big. The truth is, in my 40 years on this earth, I’ve been under the care of a counselor or psychiatrist or shrink (pick your poison) longer than I’ve been an adult. I’ve been hospitalized for suicidal ideation (having suicidal impulses) twice and have had suicidal tendencies since I was 12. I’m a walking example of screwed up.
But I’m persistent. I never completely give up. There’s something in me that says that I deserve to be alive. I deserve to breathe air and eat food and walk the streets. Despite what my f****d up brain chemistry says, some part of me believes that I’m worthy. And so I keep trying to improve myself.
And this blog is part of my attempts to improve myself. In this place, where no one knows who I really am, I intend to push my boundaries and talk about stuff I don’t talk about to anyone but my shrinks. I’m gonna push past my fear of failure (that my posts will suck, that I’m a bad writer, that people will hate me, etc). I’m gonna push past my fear of success (that I’ll do so well that I’ll have to continue, that I’ll be expected to do even better in the future, that people will expect things from me that I cannot give, etc). I’m gonna push past my fear of everything and (as the commercial says) “just do it.”
Dear Readers, I beg you, please be patient. And kind. I’m trying my best to be more than my diseases.
Thanks for reading, Bonnie.